Okey dokey.

-cough- You don't need to use a swearword to emphasise surprise. Maybe something like "an exclaimation of surprise".

For another thing, I really don't think that, saving a proper reason, Lynn wouldn't believe Valor that easily. :/ Like I've mentioned before, "normal" people would have been at least a little suspicious/sceptical of such a thing as a supernatural being.

The Alchemist wrote: -cough- You don't need to use a swearword to emphasise surprise. Maybe something like "an exclaimation of surprise".

"An exclaimation of suprise"? That is a large amount of melted cheese you got there.

it doesn't look like that bad of a story to me. it could use a little bit of revision, but it seems like a good start. ^_^d

Okay, so maybe something like "stiff with disbelief", "pulled away with disbelief", "her eyes went wide with shock" blah blah blah.

Minor expletives get the point home better.

It doesn't just all count on the use of language, Post. The writer's ability, style and preference needs to be in mind as well, for another thing. Not all good books needs the use of expletives, unless the writer deigns to use them. And it also depends on what kind of character the person is. For example, a prim and dapper gentleman would not be seen dead exclaiming: "WTF!"

xD

The Alchemist wrote: Okay, so maybe something like "stiff with disbelief", "pulled away with disbelief", "her eyes went wide with shock" blah blah blah.

Good Idea, do you care if I use it?

Use a thesaurus, Adele. There are some that are online ones...

And, you didn't answer me about: For another thing, I really don't think that, saving a proper reason, Lynn wouldn't believe Valor that easily. :/ Like I've mentioned before, "normal" people would have been at least a little suspicious/sceptical of such a thing as a supernatural being.

wrote:Use a thesaurus, Adele. There are some that are online ones...

Or don't even try for words you don't feel right using...

wrote:It doesn't just all count on the use of language, Post. The writer's ability, style and preference needs to be in mind as well, for another thing. Not all good books needs the use of expletives, unless the writer deigns to use them. And it also depends on what kind of character the person is. For example, a prim and dapper gentleman would not be seen dead exclaiming: "WTF!"

But a Teenage girl would. It's a matter of situation. Expletives are more believable, their often the difference between gritty and fairytale.

Valor is cheesy. Machete is a large knife. Junk (Or rework) the Story I tell you.

1. I suppose one would have the common sense to choose a word that they liked using... -shifty eyes-

2. Well, if Adele doesn't like using expletives... And I was using the "gentleman" thing as an example.

3. Post is right about re-editing the story. Perhaps a more believable plot would be in order? And Lynn's reactions too...

The Alchemist wrote: 1. I suppose one would have the common sense to choose a word that they liked using... -shifty eyes-

No, People try to be walking theasurases. Sound smart and stuff.

wrote:2. Well, if Adele doesn't like using expletives... And I was using the "gentleman" thing as an example.

Fair enough.

If writers want to sound deep and ruin the structure of their stories, that's their own funeral then. xD Meh.

*Cough* Paolini *Cough*

I did change their encounter, she doesn't beleive him as easily. And i don't know how to write without sounding deep, everything I do is that way, especially when I write poems. If you want, I can post the it again, and you can see if it is better.

And I definately don't want to be another Paolini*cough*

And hopely Valor is no longer a large knife?

I didn't mean "deep" in the kind of solemn way and things. I meant "deep" as in purple prose. Over describing things.

Things like:

wrote:The gargantuan blooms gloomily spread the brolly shaped, crimson petals towards the hotly blistering sun which was high in the sky. The petals were in a teeming variety of odd colors, like violet, green and blue. There were many insects crawling about the fauna, seeking food like so many industrial workers. The insects were ants, beetles and there were even spiders meandering about on a lazy way. And so this goes on and on and on, nattering about things which are totally irrelevant to the story.

...Yeah.

(Adele: ...Hmm. I don't really think your story sounds "deep" in either way. XD Maybe it's the lack of some juicy adjectives and things. Eh. Or maybe the plot, oddly, doesn't seem quite as serious as it was intended to be.)

Valor (Cheesy superhero name) is a Large Knife. Kinda ruins things.

Well what kind of name would you prefer? I couldn't think of anything for him to be called, so I used machete, and I tried to change "Valor" but everytime I tried writing the new name , I wrote valor, it just keeps coming back *grrr*

"Who are you?"
"You know from your school, as Archie Andrews (Or whatever), Let us leave it at that."
"Know you as...? What is your real name?"
His eyes flashed in annoyance. Lynn hoped that this discussion won't end in violence...
"I am not particularly used to explaining myself. However, let me tell you that you should be glad I am here... I am here to... protect you."
Yeah, right thought lynn.
"From what?"
"From things you will scarcly comprehend."
Okay, thought lynn, he not only broke into my house, but also happens to be insane.



Ect, ect. That is how a mystery is made.