Hey i thought that it would be fun to try and write my own story. I would like you guys to see what you think of it. I want you to be hard on me too because that will help for future writings. Thanks. here it goes.

A loud crash of thunder sent Lynn soaring to her feet. She was startled by the lightning and clung to her pillow with intense force. Though she was not usually afraid of storms, Lynn had a disconcerting feeling about this one. She sensed an unfamiliar presence within her room, which made her even more uneasy.
The lightning flashed once more and Lynn saw a faint outline in the corner of her room. She was horrified by the thought of a stranger in her house, especially with her parents gone for the week. The only way out was the door across the room. Unfortunately, it happened to be between Lynn and the strange character stalking her.
Unsure of what to do, Lynn reached for the pocket knife she kept hidden under her mattress, only to find that it was missing. Horror struk, she began to run for the door. Before she could make it halfway, the stalker intercepted her. Lynn was surprised to find that the stalker was a young man whom she recognized from her art class in school. Though Lynn never talked to him, she founf him mysteriously fascinating. She never anticipated him to be the type of person that would break into another's house; but then again, she knew very little about him. The only time she had ever talked to him was when they bumped into each other in the hall. Even then, the only thing he said was sorry. Lynn didn't even know his name, and yet he knew where she lived, and was lurching within her room.
"Lynn!" He gently whispered her name. "Please do not panic. I want to discuss something of signifcant value with you."
Out of fear, Lynn only shook her head. Lynn guessed that he had learned her name through school. Yet, she knew only his face. Lynn thought it wise to listen to what her classmate had to say. Choking, she responded, "Who are you?" Even though Lynn knew him, she wanted to know his name.



There is more, but I am using the school computer and class is starting, so I will finish it tomorrow if I get the chance.
I know I am not that good of a writer, but I would stiil appreciate your opinions. thanks.

wrote:"Who are you?" Even though Lynn knew him, she wanted to know his name.
She sensed an unfamiliar presence within her room, which made her even more uneasy.

It's over written.

But it has its good points.

Hey thanks for the comments. here is the rest.
“Though it is of no importance, my name is Valor. You would only know me by Eric, for that is what I go by during school.” Valor gave a chuckle then continued. “I could not use my real name in public, so I decided the name Eric would be fitting. You are the only one who knows my real name, and I would like it to remain that way. I feel that I can trust you to keep it a secret.”
“Why are you here?” Lynn inquired.
“I need to discuss an important matter with you that your safety will depend on.” Feeling that Lynn may have been threatened by his comment, Valor gave her a brief smile. “There is no need to fear. I want to help you, not harm you. It is imperative that the information I am about to tell you, remains between the two of us. Can you promise me this?”
Lynn was unsure of how to respond. Valor, who was more of a stranger to her than Eric was, had just broken into her house making Lynn uncertain of how to react. Though Lynn was terrified of Valor, her better judgment was clouded by the fact that she found him more intriguing than she did Eric. “I promise to keep your name, and the information you carry a secret.”
“Thank you, but before I can reveal to you the news I carry, there is something you should know about me.” Valor took a long pause and sighed before continuing. “To your eye, I look like a normal human. However, my true nature is hidden behind this guise. You may not believe what I am telling you, but every word is true. Underneath this smile is the face of what you would believe to be, well a Demon.”
“What do you mean?” Bewilderment struck Lynn’s face as she asked Valor to explain himself.
“I am a creature unknown to man, commonly mistaken to be a demon. I was not fashioned in Hell, nor do I present myself so. I am quite the opposite. I am more like a messenger of God, though not an Angel. My race is a step below Angels.” Valor tilted his head skyward as if searching for something. After sighing he continued, “We are known as the Machete; for we are sharp with skill. Our speed is immeasurable, and our strength unsurpassed.”
“So you’re telling me?” Through curiosity, Lynn interrupted Valor. Her fear was replaced by excitement after hearing that he was not human. “That you are an Angel of a sort?”
“Yes, that is the truth of the matter.” Even though Valor preferred to be mistaken with Angels than Demons, he still seemed perturbed. “Is it safe to finish my explanation now?”
“Yes, please do so.” Lynn was anxious to hear what the Machete had to say.
“I was sent to you by a Watcher, a being assigned to oversee Earth’s inhabitants. She appointed me the task of being a messenger and protector of you, Lynn Eleda.”
Valor seemed perplexed to find that Lynn had begun to cry. Through her tears and with a shaky voice, Lynn choked over her words, “What do I need protection from?” Lynn was not one to usually cry; however, Valor’s words pierced through her like a dagger. The thought of needing a protector, and a Machete at that, petrified Lynn, almost to the point of hysteria.
Valor thought it best to comfort Lynn. “I promise you that I will ensure you safety. If it comes down to it, I will give my life to protect you. You have nothing to fear.”
Hearing these words, Lynn began to wipe the tears that were impairing her vision from her face. She felt threatened from what Valor had told her, but now she also felt comforted. At first, Lynn did not believe what was going on or what she was being told. However, with every continuing word, she began to believe what was happening. She began to remember stories her mother had told her when she was a child, and how a great being saved the earth from destruction. She remembered that being to be a Machete named Hijo de Dios, more formally known as Jesus. Her mother told her of how Hijo de Dios, sacrificed his life for peace on Earth.
As a child, Lynn was unsure if she believed that story to be true, but after meeting Valor, everything became clear to her. “I remember!” Lynn exclaimed as she proceeded to tell Valor of the story her mother told her.
After their conversation, Lynn took a seat on her bed and asked Valor to join her. The bed sunk and the springs creaked as Valor sat. The two decided not to speak, and for a long while the silence remained uninterrupted.

That part is most likely over written also.
If you could tell me how to fix it to make it better that would be great. And if it sounds familiar to another book you know, please tell me, I wouldn't want to be a plagiarist like some other people.

It's like the chicken and the egg thing. What came first the plot or the story?

*looks at story*
Whoa, whole new meaning there.




And THIS is called constructive criticism.

This isn't spam, as such.

Post wrote:It's like the chicken and the egg thing. What came first the plot or the story?

*looks at story*
Whoa, whole new meaning there.




And THIS is called constructive criticism.

Actually, I just started writing and tried to put things together that sounded good, and from there i just added on. I am not a good writer, but i thought that it would be fun to write my own book and have always wanted to since i was, like 5. So do you have any advice to help me make it better? Also, I asked my Reading teacher to read it over, and he said he liked it so far, but he was taking it home to check grammar and everything. He said he would tell me what he thought of it tomorrow morning. But, my main goal is to make it something that the members of this forum would enjoy reading, and I would appreciate your help to do so! :D

Well, first of all the reader proabably won't be a idiot.

wrote:"Who are you?" Even though Lynn knew him, she wanted to know his name.

This setence is a good example of over written. "She wanted to know his name" Yay. The other reason for asking who are you, being...?
"Even though Lynn knew him, she had to ask: "Who are you...?"
Better sentence.


Look, try FF.net of Fictionpress. Post a fic there and hope for reviews. The only way to learn

Looking at the format, I have just one thing to say: Paragraph.

Really, it'll be less of an eyesore if you could space out the text, making your story easier for a lazy reviwer like me to look over. XD

Oh, and... Space out your sentences when someone is talking too, so it'll be less confusing.

Also, you might want to re-write this when you have more time and not in so much of a hurry. Because I spotted at least three spelling errors in the first part of your story.

wrote:Horror struk, she began to run for the door.

It is "horror struck".

wrote:Though Lynn never talked to him, she founf him mysteriously fascinating.

It is "found".

wrote:"Please do not panic. I want to discuss something of signifcant value with you."

It is "significant".

Uh-huh. Keep in mind to look over your story at least two times before you post it to check for spelling mistakes, don't try to write something when you're in a hurry, the quality of your work will be reduced when you're short of time.

And description. -sigh-

I still don't exactly know what Lynn looks like, or anybody else, for that matter. Yep. Does Lynn have brown/black/red/white(XD)/blond hair? What is the color of her eyes? Is she fair skinned or tanned? Fat or skinny?

Also the surroundings. What does Lynn's room look like? Is it circular/rectangle/square? Small or large? It is totally dark, or is there moonlight draping the floor in splintered shards?

And I've also noticed that some of your descriptions aren't very appropriate.

wrote:A loud crash of thunder sent Lynn soaring to her feet.

It makes me think that Lynn was flying or something. e_e'' Perhaps "leapt" or "jumped" is a better word.

wrote:She was startled by the lightning and clung to her pillow with intense force.

The use of the word "intense force" makes me think that Lynn is pulverizing the pillow. O.o'' Erm. It could be replaced by "tightly". You could try using a thesaurus for more suitable words.

Er... I won't be commenting the plot for now.

Although I wonder how many normal girls keep a pocket knife under their mattress, eh? -innocent whistle-

*shurg*
No need for good grammar, really: Word does that for you.

And, yeah: Remember the paragraphs. I don't really describe the surroundings. Mostly leave that to imagination. Then again, I write fanfiction.

Edit it out and post it on fictionpress.

Thanks when i get home, I will change a few things. I wasn't sure how to bring discription into it. I was thinking about haveing her compare herself to Valor or something later on.

And I keep a pocket knife under my bed. I live out in the middle of the woods tho.

What if I told you to junk this and think of some other plot?

I kinda agree with Post, since..

Well, it's kinda random. Why did some guardian angel just pop up from nowhere, just so he can protect Lynn?

wrote:“So you’re telling me?” Through curiosity, Lynn interrupted Valor. Her fear was replaced by excitement after hearing that he was not human. “That you are an Angel of a sort?”

You know, I think any, er..."normal" person would have been sane enough to be sceptical/suspicious of Valor. Scared even. :/

In more direct words: The plot sucks ass.

-rolls eyes-

Obviously its a wasted effort telling Post to be nice, so I'll just say: "Adele, don't worry about it, just do your best and think rationally."

-glares at Post- xD

Post,

Constructive criticism.

That was constructive criticism. Junk this fic and write another one with a believable plot. Simple.

...You have to give a reason for why you think the plot is...well, not that good. You can't just say: "Oh, this isn't good, go work on another idea." without giving a reason why.

An actual reason, besides: "Because it isn't good."

wrote:A loud crash of thunder sent Lynn soaring to her feet. She was startled by the lightning and clung to her pillow with intense force. Though she was not usually afraid of storms, Lynn had a disconcerting feeling about this one. She sensed an unfamiliar presence within her room, which made her even more uneasy.
The lightning flashed once more and Lynn saw a faint outline in the corner of her room. She was horrified by the thought of a stranger in her house, especially with her parents gone for the week. The only way out was the door across the room. Unfortunately, it happened to be between Lynn and the strange character stalking her.
Unsure of what to do, Lynn reached for the pocket knife she kept hidden under her mattress, only to find that it was missing. Horror struk, she began to run for the door. Before she could make it halfway, the stalker intercepted her. Lynn was surprised to find that the stalker was a young man whom she recognized from her art class in school. Though Lynn never talked to him, she founf him mysteriously fascinating. She never anticipated him to be the type of person that would break into another's house; but then again, she knew very little about him. The only time she had ever talked to him was when they bumped into each other in the hall. Even then, the only thing he said was sorry. Lynn didn't even know his name, and yet he knew where she lived, and was lurching within her room.
"Lynn!" He gently whispered her name. "Please do not panic. I want to discuss something of signifcant value with you."
Out of fear, Lynn only shook her head. Lynn guessed that he had learned her name through school. Yet, she knew only his face. Lynn thought it wise to listen to what her classmate had to say. Choking, she responded, "Who are you?" Even though Lynn knew him, she wanted to know his name.

Spontaneous. Lacks tension for a mystery opener. Perhaps she could have slipped some description in the text. The trick is to keep in slow coming and spontanaous. Perhaps: "A faint outline of a man in her room. Of medium height, looking at from a corner."

wrote:“Though it is of no importance, my name is Valor. You would only know me by Eric, for that is what I go by during school.” Valor gave a chuckle then continued. “I could not use my real name in public, so I decided the name Eric would be fitting. You are the only one who knows my real name, and I would like it to remain that way. I feel that I can trust you to keep it a secret.”

..Rule#1: Do NOT use cheesy superhero names like 'Valor'.

wrote:“I am a creature unknown to man, commonly mistaken to be a demon. I was not fashioned in Hell, nor do I present myself so. I am quite the opposite. I am more like a messenger of God, though not an Angel. My race is a step below Angels.” Valor tilted his head skyward as if searching for something. After sighing he continued, “We are known as the Machete; for we are sharp with skill. Our speed is immeasurable, and our strength unsurpassed.”
“So you’re telling me?” Through curiosity, Lynn interrupted Valor. Her fear was replaced by excitement after hearing that he was not human. “That you are an Angel of a sort?”

Maybe "...WTF?!" Would have been a better thing to make lynn say.

wrote:“Yes, please do so.” Lynn was anxious to hear what the Machete had to say.

Wordnet:

wrote:ma·chet·e

A large heavy knife with a broad blade, used as a weapon and an implement for cutting vegetation.

...Machete?
Another common trick is to use very obscure mythos stuff for this sort of thing. The idea is the reader might of read that word somewhere before, vaguely recallying it. Thereby increasing immersion.

wrote:Valor seemed perplexed to find that Lynn had begun to cry. Through her tears and with a shaky voice, Lynn choked over her words, “What do I need protection from?” Lynn was not one to usually cry; however, Valor’s words pierced through her like a dagger. The thought of needing a protector, and a Machete at that, petrified Lynn, almost to the point of hysteria.
Valor thought it best to comfort Lynn. “I promise you that I will ensure you safety. If it comes down to it, I will give my life to protect you. You have nothing to fear.”
Hearing these words, Lynn began to wipe the tears that were impairing her vision from her face. She felt threatened from what Valor had told her, but now she also felt comforted. At first, Lynn did not believe what was going on or what she was being told. However, with every continuing word, she began to believe what was happening. She began to remember stories her mother had told her when she was a child, and how a great being saved the earth from destruction. She remembered that being to be a Machete named Hijo de Dios, more formally known as Jesus. Her mother told her of how Hijo de Dios, sacrificed his life for peace on Earth.
As a child, Lynn was unsure if she believed that story to be true, but after meeting Valor, everything became clear to her. “I remember!” Lynn exclaimed as she proceeded to tell Valor of the story her mother told her.
After their conversation, Lynn took a seat on her bed and asked Valor to join her. The bed sunk and the springs creaked as Valor sat. The two decided not to speak, and for a long while the silence remained uninterrupted.

...Healthy doses of WTF would have been approprite for lynn to say.

Sorry, I don't like to sware, so i won't write it either. Anyway, I am still finishing my book, my teacher is already looking into someone I can send it to. And the second chapter describes Lynn and Valor, and tells the reader why he is there, so be patient.