So, I Nero, have once again written something for Bartiforums to enjoy. This time, I have written two One Act plays, each under twenty pages. I am posting for others to hopefully enjoy, but most importantly, I am looking for critique. Plenty of criticism and editing.

Whether it be plot, characters, or pacing, I would like any unbiased and unrestricted criticism and compliments on the two plays. I will take in your comments into consideration and rewrite it to create the best possible one act play.

The first is called the Convict. It is a ten page dramatic play about a receptionist in a small town hotel, whose quiet life and strict ideals become upset by the news of an escaped murderer.

Linky: The Convict By Nero

The next is titled Memory. It deals with the dread the many of us face at times - running into someone you met long ago, or in a bad place at a bad time.

Linky: Memory by Nero

I hope you all enjoy, and please post comments and critiques!

Wow, they were really good! I enjoyed reading them. =D
I don't write stories half as good as yours so I'm not qualified enough to criticize really. The first one seemed very fine to me (I liked how Rodney got the name Nero). There was one typo I caught; you typed 'holds her breathe' instead of 'breath'. The second one could do with a little bit of editing, I feel. The dialogues could be a little crisper.
Like when most stories end, I would like what happens afterwards and why some things happened. So my questions:

[+] Spoiler

In the first story, why does Trista let Nero go even if she doesn't believe him? And in the second one, do Sven, Christian and Felix keep in touch?

nathanielandbartimaeus wrote:Wow, they were really good! I enjoyed reading them. =D
I don't write stories half as good as yours so I'm not qualified enough to criticize really. The first one seemed very fine to me (I liked how Rodney got the name Nero). There was one typo I caught; you typed 'holds her breathe' instead of 'breath'. The second one could do with a little bit of editing, I feel. The dialogues could be a little crisper.
Like when most stories end, I would like what happens afterwards and why some things happened. So my questions:

[+] Spoiler

In the first story, why does Trista let Nero go even if she doesn't believe him? And in the second one, do Sven, Christian and Felix keep in touch?

Thanks for commenting!

Yeah, I got the same criticism for the second story as well. Too be honest I was a bit uncertain with the second one, but I thank you for your compliments still.

As for the questions

[+] Spoiler

Originally I had Trista explain herself, mainly citing that the slightest possibility of an innocent in jail was more of an injustice than a criminal walking free. However, I thought this was trying too hard or was explaining too much. So I cut it to its current ending, as I intended to just let the conversation between Highmore and Trista the implications of either choices. It was also intended that Trista indeed gave in, after considering Highmore's statements as well as Nero's attitude.

As for Memory, no, the three of them would not keep in touch. After all, that is the theme of the whole play - Sven goes on about never forgetting anyone, above all Inge. But, as you saw in the end, he lost his unique innocence, and walks out. As well, there is a sentence in the stage direction mentioning how he throws away his phone. So no, in order to reinforce the loss Sven incurred and the main concept, the three of them separate.

Oh, thanks. The answers make sense.
Any more stories you have got to read?

nathanielandbartimaeus wrote:Oh, thanks. The answers make sense.
Any more stories you have got to read?

No completed ones or ones I find to be satisfactory yet.

I have actually found the time to read these! I've got some comments, but I wrote the notes I had onto my home computer, which I don't have with me at the moment, so I'll probably post them when I've got the internet back. They were pretty good though.

FuzzyLobster wrote:I have actually found the time to read these! I've got some comments, but I wrote the notes I had onto my home computer, which I don't have with me at the moment, so I'll probably post them when I've got the internet back. They were pretty good though.

If anyone's interested, there are some large changes to these scripts...

Put it up.

Yes, please.

OK, so here's Memory: http://www.2shared.com/document/zNQvbRo ... tedit.html

There's not too drastic changes here. But I believe it is much more smooth in pacing and dialogue.

And here's the Convict: http://www.2shared.com/document/T_1x3nV ... osure.html

There's plenty of changes here after I wrote five different expansions of the ending.

So? Thoughts?

I will read and reply in a few days. Tied up with continuous exams and seminars now.

Sorry for the long delay.
I read the Memory. Liked it much more now. Crisper dialogues and the story is nicer and more interesting. :)

Edit: I got confused with the names of the story. >>

nathanielandbartimaeus wrote:I even read Convict. It was an interesting ending and I liked your writing style again. But I kinda preferred the previous version of it.

Really? That's interesting - the new ending was actually well received by a lot of people.

But I can see why you'd like it. It's much more stronger of a message in my opinion.

Nero wrote:

nathanielandbartimaeus wrote:I even read Convict. It was an interesting ending and I liked your writing style again. But I kinda preferred the previous version of it.

Really? That's interesting - the new ending was actually well received by a lot of people.

But I can see why you'd like it. It's much more stronger of a message in my opinion.

Yeah, mainly that. I like your newer ending because it answers more questions and Trisha's actions make more sense. But probably sometimes I feel that fewer explanations is better for a story (though it might leave the reader unsatisfied).