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The Ring Of Solomon

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My work.; Read it dammit.
Topic Started: Nov 26 2007, 11:26 PM (1,704 Views)
Nero Nov 26 2007, 11:26 PM Post #1
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The Canadian
 Fanfiction.net
Read, and please do review, even if its a flame. I've had harder disses when told face to face.
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nathanielandbartimaeus Jan 3 2008, 05:03 PM Post #2
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Golem
 Wow, its excellent. U do have a flair for writing. I liked the story a lot. I guess u would make a good author one day.
Enough of compliments. So, are u going to continue it? Have u got a story line prepared?
Jonathan Stroud
 
1. Queezle - Her name doesn't come from anywhere, I don't think. I just made it up! It was kind of meant to make her sound nice. I feel a bit sorry that I killed her off so fast; she is an interesting character.


Falling in love is not at all the most stupid thing that people do — but gravitation cannot be held responsible for it.
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Nero Jan 3 2008, 05:47 PM Post #3
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The Canadian
 Yep. I got it all going. The next one should be up by the end of this month, I hope. I hoped you reviewed, if you have a account.
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nathanielandbartimaeus Jan 4 2008, 06:17 PM Post #4
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Golem
 U want a critic's review. Fine.
The story (as I said earlier) was well written. However, can't the djinni ( that's u)do something unusual for a change? Instead of detonations could'nt the djinni use better methods for escape & kill? Something innovative? And 5 mins of solid running, with a djinni around made little sense. Could'nt Nero just pick the magician up & fly them to safety? And Attila's account sounded a lot like Nat's in the end of AoS. Also, did'nt the horse truly realize Nero for what he was? We don't see spirits in BT dealing with animals, but can't they sense them for what they really are?
And in the second last line of the page, change 'with' to 'will'. That's all. By the way, I like the names a lot.
Edit :- Since, I don't have an account I reviewed it here. Also, I read just the first chapter. Shall read more when I get time & I shall review every chapter, coz I like doing that & I know how frustating it can be when u don't get much reviews.
Jonathan Stroud
 
1. Queezle - Her name doesn't come from anywhere, I don't think. I just made it up! It was kind of meant to make her sound nice. I feel a bit sorry that I killed her off so fast; she is an interesting character.


Falling in love is not at all the most stupid thing that people do — but gravitation cannot be held responsible for it.
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Nero Jan 4 2008, 07:04 PM Post #5
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The Canadian
 Yes well the chapters past 5 are the best.
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nathanielandbartimaeus Jan 4 2008, 07:16 PM Post #6
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Golem
 U did'nt answer my question yet.
Jonathan Stroud
 
1. Queezle - Her name doesn't come from anywhere, I don't think. I just made it up! It was kind of meant to make her sound nice. I feel a bit sorry that I killed her off so fast; she is an interesting character.


Falling in love is not at all the most stupid thing that people do — but gravitation cannot be held responsible for it.
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Nero Jan 4 2008, 07:22 PM Post #7
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The Canadian
 OH. Sorry.
As for the usual thing, the djinni is still young then and so, obeys very easily, since it's confused.
Two: As for the method thing, simple for Nero and he doesn't know too many others.
Three: Fly to safety, I never thought of that. Neither did Nero
Four: I didn't realized both tales seemed the same. Well, both were similar; both were power hungry and both had started to turn into horrible beings. Both did, but Nat snapped out of it.
Five: The horses were "broken". Modern methods are when they beat the horse to obedience. Same with Hunnish horses; wild, yet tame to their will
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nathanielandbartimaeus Jan 4 2008, 07:27 PM Post #8
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Golem
 Good answers. I never reflected on Nero's youth. Shall read the second chapter tom.
Jonathan Stroud
 
1. Queezle - Her name doesn't come from anywhere, I don't think. I just made it up! It was kind of meant to make her sound nice. I feel a bit sorry that I killed her off so fast; she is an interesting character.


Falling in love is not at all the most stupid thing that people do — but gravitation cannot be held responsible for it.
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nathanielandbartimaeus Jan 14 2008, 09:34 AM Post #9
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Golem
 I broke my promise! Wahwah :cry: .........I hate breaking promises.
Sry Nero, school work & exams consumed my time.

The second chapter was better than the first in many ways. The flow was better & the descriptions were vivid. However, how can a djinni defeat 4 afrits? It's against the nature of spirits. However smart, innovative, strong etcetc a djinni is, it cannot defeat afrits. Much less with the ease with which Nero did. Mightbe it can trick it, escape it, hold its own during a fight (very rarely though), but cannot simply just defeat it. Esp. 4 afrits.

Otherwise, I found it quite good & interesting. Try adding footnotes, instead of using brackets, though the latter would do too. It's just that I am mad on footnotes after reading the BT. And ya, u have got a touch a humour, but it could be better excercised.

Edit- I hope no one is gonna chastise me for double posting. After all, the previous post is 10 days old.
Jonathan Stroud
 
1. Queezle - Her name doesn't come from anywhere, I don't think. I just made it up! It was kind of meant to make her sound nice. I feel a bit sorry that I killed her off so fast; she is an interesting character.


Falling in love is not at all the most stupid thing that people do — but gravitation cannot be held responsible for it.
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Nero Jan 14 2008, 06:15 PM Post #10
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The Canadian
 Thank you. I think some double posts are ok.
Nero doesn't use footnotes, even if you are crazed about them. Barty does, and he will appear in the next chapter.
And his sudden power is revealed also, so try to keep reading. I know how school is.
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nathanielandbartimaeus Jan 16 2008, 04:31 PM Post #11
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Golem
 Whew! The 3rd chapter was fab! I loved it!

I have very little complaints this time. Just two.
1. There was a lot of minute mistakes. Eg:- 'I' in place of 'it'. So, that's basically alright, as the meaning is not lost.
2. Bart being such an experienced djinni should know better than to cover Nero with silver & leave him to his fate. Being smart, he ought to have anticipated the summons.

Ya, and I loved all the footnotes & Bart's jokes. They were cool!
Jonathan Stroud
 
1. Queezle - Her name doesn't come from anywhere, I don't think. I just made it up! It was kind of meant to make her sound nice. I feel a bit sorry that I killed her off so fast; she is an interesting character.


Falling in love is not at all the most stupid thing that people do — but gravitation cannot be held responsible for it.
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Nero Jan 16 2008, 06:01 PM Post #12
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The Canadian
 Well, he didn't quite see the entire damage he did, and he was a bit excited after being on a roll, so er, yeah. But thanks. I appreciate the nice review. And yes, there were still a few mistakes. Even after a revamp chapter.
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nathanielandbartimaeus Jan 30 2008, 06:38 PM Post #13
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Golem
 Another good one. I like this chapter best as for the first time Nero & Bart acquaint themselves well - something I have been waiting for since chap 1.

Mini caesar seems to be a different & interesting master. Somewhat reminds me of ptolemy. And I was surprised how fast Nero forgave Bart. And Nero's strength is now understood.

I might be wrong but is'nt a prism triangular in shape? It was mentioned as a cube once. Still, I am not sure abt it. And the strength of the entity present in the prism is equivalent to Nouda's strength, right?

Continue writing & I shall continue reading. Though my next reply might probably be in March, as my exams are advancing & I need to study.
Jonathan Stroud
 
1. Queezle - Her name doesn't come from anywhere, I don't think. I just made it up! It was kind of meant to make her sound nice. I feel a bit sorry that I killed her off so fast; she is an interesting character.


Falling in love is not at all the most stupid thing that people do — but gravitation cannot be held responsible for it.
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Semian Feb 11 2008, 01:56 AM Post #14
Mite
 The story is great so far! (I've only read the first 4 chapters but i can tell its going to be good)
I really like how you made Nero seem like he really is - younger than Bart.
Quote:
 
"Good luck to you too Mr.Mandrake"
"You don't need to call me that" he said
"It's your name"
"No. My name is Nathaniel"

Quote:
 
"Do or Do not, there is no try"

:new:
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Nero Feb 11 2008, 02:14 AM Post #15
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The Canadian
 Why thank you. And I read the review. Thanks. I replied.
There'll be another chapter in about two weeks.
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