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| New Eragon Movie | |
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| Topic Started: Jul 5 2006, 07:57 AM (2,877 Views) | |
| Krim | Jul 9 2006, 05:23 AM Post #61 |
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Djinni
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County > a little bit smaller than a country. For instance, there are 46 counties within South Carolina. South Carolina is a state. There are 51 states in this country. See, you learned something today. And by the way, I said in my age group. What is too wordy? If you're talking about me... - shakes fist. - |
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Gladstone/Sentynel/Krim/Gladstone/Sentynel/Krim/Stroud/Gladstone The three ships. Kinda like the Mayflower and all those. | |
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| Post | Jul 9 2006, 05:27 AM Post #62 |
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Higher Spirit
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Oops... county? Think so? Wordy? yes. Tis' uploaded in the internet, not written in a book. |
| Shame of the Super Son | |
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| Krim | Jul 9 2006, 05:28 AM Post #63 |
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Djinni
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What are you talking about? |
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Gladstone/Sentynel/Krim/Gladstone/Sentynel/Krim/Stroud/Gladstone The three ships. Kinda like the Mayflower and all those. | |
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| Post | Jul 9 2006, 05:30 AM Post #64 |
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Higher Spirit
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As in: No one is going to read a full novel with 10 million on the internet. |
| Shame of the Super Son | |
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| Kibblediggit | Jul 9 2006, 05:32 AM Post #65 |
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Ghul
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Your writing still has the essence of "student writing" that nobody can really get rid of until they get past a certain age, so it can't be critiqued for that. But you may want to get to know some of the writers your age. |
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| Krim | Jul 9 2006, 05:32 AM Post #66 |
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Djinni
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As in, that's why I'm not publishing it on the internet. And student writing? As in? |
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Gladstone/Sentynel/Krim/Gladstone/Sentynel/Krim/Stroud/Gladstone The three ships. Kinda like the Mayflower and all those. | |
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| Post | Jul 9 2006, 05:34 AM Post #67 |
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Higher Spirit
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What are you talking about? We are underage so we'll all write like Paolini?
A book?
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| Shame of the Super Son | |
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| Krim | Jul 9 2006, 05:35 AM Post #68 |
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Djinni
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I have no idea what 'student writing' is. Maybe if you people would actually make sense before I have to ask for an explanation for everything. << |
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Gladstone/Sentynel/Krim/Gladstone/Sentynel/Krim/Stroud/Gladstone The three ships. Kinda like the Mayflower and all those. | |
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| Kibblediggit | Jul 9 2006, 05:39 AM Post #69 |
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Ghul
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Student writing. Can't imagine it published, would get ripped to shreds by the editor men in seconds. The person hasn't developed their own style, it's a little dry, such and such. Not really proffesional material, but it still can be enjoyable to read, praiseworthy, interesting, etc etc etc. Paolini has student writing. So do I though. So I guess that makes me a sort of hypocrite. :0 |
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| Krim | Jul 9 2006, 05:41 AM Post #70 |
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Djinni
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...k. I'll try to post up the chapter when I can. Or I'll post the incomplete version full of random jumps in time.
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Gladstone/Sentynel/Krim/Gladstone/Sentynel/Krim/Stroud/Gladstone The three ships. Kinda like the Mayflower and all those. | |
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| Kibblediggit | Jul 9 2006, 05:43 AM Post #71 |
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Ghul
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Random jumps are bad for my liver. |
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| Krim | Jul 9 2006, 05:45 AM Post #72 |
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Djinni
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It doesn't matter much, as long as you ignore the messed-up-ness of the plot and read.
Here, I'll post this section, which'll give you a broader sense of how I write:In the midst of the commotion, a dark figure was suspended from the tree, swaying in rhythm with the skeletons. Needles of moonlight illuminated fragments of yellow on the intruder’s bandaged body. Others revealed a lopsided grin; more exposed a chain wrapped around its wrist like a shackle, the other end fastened to a branch. Loops of chain around the figure’s wrist unraveled of their own accord, lowering it until its feet brushed the sludge. The intruder flicked his wrist; rusted links sank into the branch and burst through, sending the limb after the skeletons. The chain fell around the intruder’s shoulders like a scarf. “This would count as a disruption,” warned Mathias. He scrutinized the intruder, its reflection captured in his eye like an insect in amber. “I am Emissary, by name and charge,” it said. “It appears I’m in the presence of a Chevalier. Retired, perhaps?” “Long ago,” replied Mathias. “Yes, you cannot still be a Chevalier, even with that one eye of yours,” it continued. Mathias self-consciously raised a hand over his left eye, which had been sewn shut long ago. “You smell of guilt, but that is not what makes me think you are no longer a knight. All of those pathetic, one-eyed ‘protectors of man’ absolutely reek of guilt. I know what it is that sets you apart…you are a failure. You cannot accomplish a single task, and are despised by all manner of beasts. Ah, tensing up, are we?” The servant spat into herald’s mouth. Head slightly tilted to the side, it paused and wiped a hand over the spittle flecked across its lips. “Trying to give me a kiss? You’re on the right track. You are supposed to use your mouth, but in a completely different manner. Supposed to be romantic, our first smooch,” said Emissary. “But onto business. My master, the basilisk-companion of Exodus, wishes for safe passage.” “Exodus?” asked Mathias’ master. “The massive monster that delivered judgment upon all men during his reign? A very powerful Jotun, I am told…leader of the Stone Giants. It is said that a basilisk shared Exodus’ body, and it was every bit as fierce as the one it served. If only I had such a powerful servant.” “You are very wise, master of the maggot.” The mummy nodded, resting a hand on the fruit bowl. The master’s head bobbed in delight. A second later, he stiffened. The finger running along the rim of the bowl halted before reaching the mummy’s knuckles; despite the friendly banter they shared, the master was reluctant to touch the herald. “The basilisk would be pleased with the addition of a new domestic. The power it could grant you is limitless. Join the cause, and you can abandon your fleshy body. Think it over.” “Do not join this ignorant little beast. It was left to rot in a coffin with its organs resting in worthless cruets, for good reason,” said Mathias. “It speaks of failure? It is but a heartless wretch led by a soulless serpent.” “You do not wish the best for your liege? You are selfish.” Emissary patted the master’s hand and selected a grape from the bowl; it withered without protest, withdrawing deep into itself. Presenting the desiccated grape to Mathias, its head weaved about in an attempt to make eye contact. The servant resigned, narrowed eyes raising to meet the herald’s own: nebulae swirled inside each slab of translucent ebony, followed by a network of optical cords trailing behind each marble; he strained to see what lay beyond, if they were connected to a functional brain or --- “It had such potential, but failed to ferment into wine and instead became a raisin. Isn’t that right, my dear failure?” The herald popped the shriveled grape into its mouth. “What did?” asked Mathias. “The grape, of course. Certainly not my eyes, if that’s what you were thinking. Also, it’s impolite to stare when you are being addressed. Now, I must depart, as it seems my master is on the move.” Emissary leapt backward from the throne; after clearing a great distance, it landed on the branch it had descended from. With little more than a slight nod, it leaned to the side and melted into the trunk. The eye part specifically is a big wordy, I'll probably end up cutting it later. But, whatever. And the ending, I had it originally different but...xD |
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Gladstone/Sentynel/Krim/Gladstone/Sentynel/Krim/Stroud/Gladstone The three ships. Kinda like the Mayflower and all those. | |
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| WinterTabby | Jul 9 2006, 05:46 AM Post #73 |
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Horla
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Actually, you should read more adult contemporary fiction. And by that I don't mean Dan Brown. Books with 'Man Booker Prize' somewhere on the cover would be a good way to begin. That moniker on the front might look snobby, but it's just a sign that says 'vaguely intelligent writing at worst'. |
| Nothing to see here, move along. | |
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| Kibblediggit | Jul 9 2006, 05:59 AM Post #74 |
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Ghul
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I like the characters a lot. 'Specially the Emissary. The dialogue doesn't seem natural, maybe you could fill in some of the background information in the narrative instead of in the talking. I also got a bit confused while trying to differentiate one character from another, but that just might be because I'm reading in the middle of the story. Before this, you should make sure the reader can clearly distinguish who is who. I have that problem in a lot of books. It also seems a bit muggy; you might want to add a couple words that'll help the reader imagine where they are and what they look like. You don't have to be overly descriptive, but you should get the idea across. But...yeah...the character designs are great. Nice concept with the one-eye thing. So far this is the impression I get of each of the characters, you can use this to edit/develop. Mathias: Kind of simple, but good at remembering things. He seems to know where he's at and is probably good at resisting temptations. He's experienced at something too. Emissary: He's the mummy, right? He's slim, kind of humorous, sort of person who would merrily wipe out a massive amount of people. Kind of annoying too. Who's the herald, who's the servant? |
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| Krim | Jul 9 2006, 06:15 AM Post #75 |
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Djinni
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Emissary = herald Mathias = servant I thought it'd be obvious, really, who the herald is, unless you don't know what a herald is. In that case, I should probably change it to the more common 'diplomat', aye? I have explained what they look like, but I'll add this for your convenience. Mathias = wears a suit that is worn and battered Master = wears a cassock Some background on Mathias: Mathias - basically short-tempered. Pissed off rather easily, although even when angry he can somewhat restrain himself. The reason he doesn't attack here is because the master seems to have taken a liking to Emissary. This is pretty much because when people address Emissary, they're hypnotized by the very sight of him...but Mathias was so lost in pretty much blind rage of being constantly insulted he didn't pay attention to being manipulated until he finally made eye contact. I should be offline now. I'll be happy to disperse more information about the overall plot...it has taken me a great deal of time to work out. And yes, Emissary is the mummy. Slim? Maybe. I was leaning more on the gangly side, like one of those kids who hit a growth spurt so they look like skinny skeletons. Even if my prose is school-style, that can be changed over time and refined. But at least I have the backing of a good plot and well-thought-out characters, something I can throw in Paolini's eyes like a handful of sand before I knee him in the groin. Now, I am going to reread the scene where Lovelace learns of his Amulet being at Underwood's. Gotta love that. |
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Gladstone/Sentynel/Krim/Gladstone/Sentynel/Krim/Stroud/Gladstone The three ships. Kinda like the Mayflower and all those. | |
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Here, I'll post this section, which'll give you a broader sense of how I write:
8:18 AM Jul 11