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New Eragon Movie
Topic Started: Jul 5 2006, 07:57 AM (2,878 Views)
Krim
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Djinni
Colossal cobwebs, stitched over the duration of several desolate decades, glistened between the branches; wrapped in silk cocoons, behemoth insects survived long enough to contemplate the desiccated remains of their companions.


In the midst of the commotion, a dark figure was suspended from the tree, swaying in rhythm with the skeletons. Feeble rays of moonlight illuminated fragments of aged yellow on the intruder’s bandaged body. Other rays revealed a lopsided grin; another exposed a chain looped around its wrist like a shackle, the other end fastened to a drooping branch.



The youth tenderly opened the case and withdrew from it a flintlock pistol, holding it as if wary it contained invisible currents of heat. Beaming about smugly, he offered the weapon to his superior. The leader observed it with casual regard and made another sign. The youth recoiled, a look of intense disgust wrinkling his sharp features.

“Forgot to load the damn thing? Isn’t it annoying being a slave?” asked Emissary, mind wandering back to the ridiculed servant in the swamp.

Clenching a lead ball between crooked teeth the same color as the herald’s aged bandages, the youth sat on his heels. His steely gaze wandered to the herald and, upon noticing the returned stare, darted back to the pistol.




Excerpts from my chapter. Of course, they aren't all linear, but the chapter is incomplete so I'm not going to post it all. :D When it's done, certainly.
Gladstone/Sentynel/Krim/Gladstone/Sentynel/Krim/Stroud/Gladstone

The three ships. Kinda like the Mayflower and all those.
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Apocrypha
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Afrit
It's good.
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Kibblediggit
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Ghul
Do you want praise, critique, both, or for me to just not say anything?
(I don't want to waste words on people who aren't interested in them)
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Krim
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Djinni
Go for it. Whatever you can dish out, I'd glady accept.

By the way, I edited a little bit because Word is notorious for not saving my changes (or maybe I'm too lazy when editing to go back and hit the Save button).

- smooches. - I'll post the chapter when it's complete.
Gladstone/Sentynel/Krim/Gladstone/Sentynel/Krim/Stroud/Gladstone

The three ships. Kinda like the Mayflower and all those.
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Apocrypha
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Afrit
It's actually very good.
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Kibblediggit
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Ghul
Krim
Jul 8 2006, 10:41 PM
Go for it. Whatever you can dish out, I'd glady accept.

By the way, I edited a little bit because Word is notorious for not saving my changes (or maybe I'm too lazy when editing to go back and hit the Save button).

- smooches. - I'll post the chapter when it's complete.

It's good, but depending on which county you live in (I won't ask, that's rude) you're probably not the best 14-16 year old writer. I like your writing style though. Reminds me of someone.

I can see that you're describing things a lot, which is good. But it's hard to imagine the setting. What does this youth look like? Is he gawky and dangly or sturdy and stocky?

I have other things, but considering that that's only a preview chapter, they may not apply later. I'm interested on what happens next. Post it when yer done!
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Krim
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Djinni
I live in Greenville county, which is in South Carolina. I'd say my story would give the other kids a run for their money, even if my prose was horrible. You're right, I didn't mention the kid, but he's not a very important character; plus, wearing armor, it'd be pretty hard to discern his build really. He just loads the weapon and gives it to the militiaman, who in turn uses it to shoot at Emissary; when it misses, Emissary's companion gets angry at the noise and goes a little blood thirsty.
Gladstone/Sentynel/Krim/Gladstone/Sentynel/Krim/Stroud/Gladstone

The three ships. Kinda like the Mayflower and all those.
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Uttuku_Guard
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Wtvr.
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Kibblediggit
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Ghul
You might want to establish a general feeling in the camp (or wherever they are) though, especially because the character isn't important. Nervousness, tension, anger, happiness?

Yeah. I've never been there, so I wouldn't know though.
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Krim
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Djinni
Those are random excerpts from a chapter that will otherwise be around 3000 words. It's basically an example of my prose; you can hardly discern my overall talent from them.
Gladstone/Sentynel/Krim/Gladstone/Sentynel/Krim/Stroud/Gladstone

The three ships. Kinda like the Mayflower and all those.
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Kibblediggit
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Ghul
Then I'll discern your overall talent later. :3

Personally, I'm impressed that you actually have to motivation to complete any of your ideas. I've always been too lazy to write anything but concept summaries and things.
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Charla
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Imp
Ditto, Kibblediggit, ditto. I leave anything I begin hanging unless it's otherwise shoved and forced upon me. Thus why I only have a chance when I'm not allowed to procrastinate.

Krim, only you, only you. You're the only one to turn an Eragon thread into a thread to flaunt your writing skills. XDD

Though I do agree, you ego is spilling over everywhere. I don't think you're the best writer in your state, but you'd be able to publish a book if you managed to finish a book. ;D
" Tsuki says:
YOU TALK A LOT. T_T

Charla says:
Is that all you have to say to the great and wonderful Charla? T_T

Tsuki says:
... yes.

Charla says:
Very well. you are dismissed. * waves hanky * XD
You know I want to roleplay Trickster as a djinni.

Tsuki says:
Idon'tcareomg. >>> "



-My lovely friend and myself having a conversation. XDDD

That managed to amuse me.-
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WinterTabby
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Horla
Ooh Lit's my favourite subject in school, I love analyzing people's writings.
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The youth recoiled, a look of intense disgust wrinkling his sharp features.
The phrase after 'recoiled' is a tad unnecessary. It's much too verbose, or there's 'too much going on'.

Quote:
 

“..." asked Emissary, mind wandering back to the ridiculed servant in the swamp.


Don't you mean 'his' mind?

I don't know about you, but I tend to aim towards a more spare and concise style in my writing. I think most young writers tend to over-describe things.
Nothing to see here, move along.
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Krim
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Djinni
- slaps Tabby. -

It's a gender neutral person/object. It was most likely a man in its past life, but not anymore.

Intense disgust shows that he was extremely angered, while recoiling ambiguously could signify he was merely shocked. But sure, I'll eliminate it just for you.



Lowering it, the youth tenderly opened the case and withdrew a flintlock pistol, held as if wary it contained invisible currents of heat. Beaming about smugly, he offered the weapon to his superior. The leader turned it around in his hands and returned the pistol; the boy recoiled, accepting it with disgust.
Gladstone/Sentynel/Krim/Gladstone/Sentynel/Krim/Stroud/Gladstone

The three ships. Kinda like the Mayflower and all those.
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Post
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Higher Spirit
Definately not my type of fic. Dunno, much too wordy than anything I've seen on the internet.

Or maybe I'm just too lazy to write a full paragraph... whatever. OMFG! THE LAST BOOK OF ERAGON AND POTTER IS COMING!!! I thought I'd never see the end...

Krimmy...? Best writer in the country? *Calls down Chutulu's wrath to lessen ego*
Shame of the Super Son
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